“Hi.  I’m Tally and I’m from a ‘broken home’.”

“Hi Tally”.

I’m from a broken home because, as the standard definition indicates, I come from a divorced family.  In my case, my father wasn’t in the home hardly at all.  I have memories of abandonment and feelings of insignificance that I’m certain still cloud my judgement daily, although I consciously do not think of him often.  Apart from the grace of God I haven’t much idea how my trajectory has been so widely skewed from the ‘normal’ path a person like me is expected to take.

My office sits in the middle of East Baltimore where ‘broken homes’ are everywhere.  It is extremely rare to find a functioning family as is the gold standard.  The unemployment rate here for men is astronomical and the pressure to join a gang hits a child as soon as they can understand the world.  The home is broken, the block is broken, the neighborhood is broken, the city is broken.  It’s all broken.

But I digress, I wanted to share a perspective that has been rolling around in my mind a lot lately about the expression ‘broken home’.  I feel that it’s derogatory and ignorant when it is used among most of my suburban, educated and mostly Caucasian friends, especially my Christian friends.

I know initially it may sound like I would want to dismiss the characteristic of a divorced home being broken… that is not true.  Not true at all.  Undoubtably there is immeasurable evidence that suggests it’s not a good thing when a family falls apart in this way.  What I think is being ignored however, and is therefore unhealthy, is that we provide ourselves way too much cover when we attribute ‘broken homes’ to “those” people who “couldn’t make it work”.

You want to know the truth?  

Your home is probably a ‘broken home’.

Any time our families are falling short of the glorious standard of God, we are broken homes.  If your kids do not feel like they can come to you and pour out their heart for fear of retribution or rejection… your home is broken.  If your husband or wife feels like they are parenting alone… your home is broken.  If your child is afraid of one of their parents… your home is broken.  If your daughter does not respect the way her dad treats her mommy… your home is broken.  If the television is your family’s chapel service… your home is broken.  If your husband or wife feels neglected intimately, sexually or any other way… your home is broken.  I could go on and on and on.

After a dozen years in full-time ministry I’m fairly confident in saying that if you’re like every family I’ve ever counseled… your home is broken.

For you this may be old-hat.  Somehow I doubt it.

So instead of walking around arrogant today and looking down your nose at those who have “broken homes” while you convince yourself that your home is whole… let’s have an attitude check, a heart check and a relationship with God check.

Pray and ask God to reveal the cracks in your home’s foundation.  There is an extremely high chance that your home is already broken.  Just because you’re holding it together with guilt, shame and manipulation doesn’t mean the integrity is any stronger than the home next door that fell apart in the latest storm.

When I lived in Corpus Christi, TX I learned a lot about cracks in foundation.  In order to sell a home with a crack in the foundation, some people would try to hide the cracks by covering them up with caulk or paint.  Usually they would get caught on inspection.  The honest people I knew simply assumed that after a while their foundation would be cracked under the pressure of the harsh dry climate that South Texas brings.  The fix for the problem was expensive but necessary.  At the end of the day, after the minor surgery on their home, they could be assured that indeed their home was no longer ‘broken’.

Please evaluate your home and check to see if you are also a ‘broken home’.  Do what it takes to make the necessary repairs.  Stop covering it up with paint, caulk or duct tape.  The church should be the last place where we’re impressed with the exterior while ignoring the interior since we serve a God who restores and renews from the inside out.

Thanks for taking the time to hear me out.  I pray God’s best on your family.

I cannot believe the heart of the people in Captivate Church!!  I have already received two phone numbers from “V” and “K” and all the outpouring of love and reception have actually been overwhelming for me and something I’ve been longing for!!  And “A” has been awesome with her Captivate Kids Ministry and I just can’t wait to serve again…it’s been a while!!!

This week I’ve had the privilege of meeting with some of the great people who call Captivate Church home.  In these conversations I have been reminded of a few important truths to keep in mind as we live out our walk.

1.  People are watching.

One woman I met with has a husband who is not a believer.  She said that her husband does not trust pastors or Christians in general.  She shared that they have had conversations about me in particular and he just can’t figure me out.  She said what he has seen he likes but he expects me to fail.  Stop and think about that.  He expects me to fail.  What he’s observed about Christian pastors is that they are frauds who manipulate the bible to say whatever they want to say.  As it stands right now he is essentially waiting for me to be just like the rest.  I’ve heard this before but it cut like a knife to be reminded of what we’re up against in Baltimore.  Many parts of the country enjoy a culture that is reasonably respectful and trusting of the local church.  We live in an area that is extremely skeptical and downright critical of anyone proclaiming to have faith.  It is a passion of my heart not to let this woman down by proving her husband right.  My prayer life is kicked up a notch today.

2.  People are hurting.

In various recent conversations I’ve come across people who have major scars in their life.  The amount of people (men and women) who have been impacted by sexual or physical abuse can be downright mind-blowing.  A statistic can’t cry.  You do not realize the impact of abuse on a person’s life until you stare into the eyes of a person sharing with you about this abuse.  In the last few months I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard “Pastor, only X number of people have ever even heard me say what I’m about to tell you…” and then they go on to tell me about their abusive past.  In our world of pop-tart Christianity we tend to talk strategy, graphics and production when what a person really needs is to experience God’s presence in their pain.  People need to be reminded that their pain is a part of their past but they are not solely a product of their past.  People need to know that they are not damaged goods and that their abuser does not own their destiny.  God’s plans are not finished and a King is still on the throne.

3.  People are curious.

I had an amazing conversation with a new believer in our church who is being baptized soon.  The questions that came up during our conversation were sincere and thoughtful.  Sometimes I wonder how often we as the local church are answering questions that are not relevant to the new or young believer.  Often the very first questions that come out of a person’s mouth are along the lines of ‘How do I do the right thing in God’s sight.’  Often they confuse ‘good behavior’ with ‘Godly behavior’.  They also tend to confuse a living God with a dead document.  The bible to the believer has the weight of God’s very breath but to the new believer who just turns to Christ, the bible is a religious document.  In this most recent case about an hour of discussion helped to set the framework needed to help clear some of the early-onset fog of faith.  I often do not realize what I take for granted is very abstract for the average person.  Being aware that people are curious allows me to consider the receiver before I talk about the things of God.  What good is a great message if I’m a terrible messenger?  The gospel is amazing, I often am not.  I pray to be better and I pray you will be too.